My number one tip for dealing with passive-aggressive people is simple:
Take them at their word.
We all know those people who say something is fine when they don’t mean it.
Take them at their word.
We know people who say things like, “I don’t care; we can do it your way” but don’t actually mean it.
Take them at their word.
We all know people who, when you ask if they’re okay, will say, “I’m fine, don’t worry about it,” when they are not fine and want you to dig and dig until they feel like you’ve worked sufficiently hard for them to finally tell you what they’re angry about.
Take them at their word.
You get the gist…
Passive-aggressive people try to foist off all the emotional labor onto you, try to make you figure out what they’re upset about and fix it so they’re happy. Don’t play that game. Take them at face value. Whatever they say, treat it as truth. They will either learn to say what they really mean or they will stew in their own juices because their passive-aggressive tricks don’t work on you.
I had an issue with a coworker like this a few months ago. It was a silly situation, and she refused to talk about it directly in an appropriate manner. I knew I had behaved professionally and so I just continued what I was doing and let her stew about it. Eventually, she talked to my supervisor about it, who set her straight on a few things. She then took the advice my supervisor had given her and presented them as her ideas, as though she was (so aggrievedly) bending over backwards to do a favor. My supervisor was annoyed by this, especially because of the fake way this coworker had presented everything.
My response? “I can deal with her being upset or disliking me. I behaved professionally and it doesn’t matter to me as long as she’s doing what she’s supposed to do. We got her to do what she needed to do, so as far as I’m concerned, that’s a win.”
The only power a passive-aggressive person has over you is the power you give them.
Of course you don’t want someone to be upset with you; that’s normal human empathy. But you don’t have to let them take advantage of your kindness. Just be professional and make them say what they really need to say. If they’re upset about it, that’s not your problem.
To avoid them from getting under your skin, remember that passive aggressive people are simply afraid of confrontation. They don’t want to argue because they are not good at expressing themselves.
